


The Drunks of Fire Emblem Fates

by EuKnighted



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Crack, Gen, Read at Your Own Risk, What do I even tag with this story, mentions of drinking, mentions of drug use, shitpost, this is why you shouldn't let me have a laptop after 1:00 AM
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 14:21:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13296708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EuKnighted/pseuds/EuKnighted
Summary: 100% Crack Fic. After the defeat of Anankos, the Hoshidan and Nohrian forces come together in Cyrkensia to celebrate their victory. Also posted on FanFiction.net.





	The Drunks of Fire Emblem Fates

It was a beautiful silent night in Hoshido. The full moon bathed the plains in a soft glow and it seemed as if all of the stars were visible. Crickets were the only thing that broke the silence of the tranquil Hoshidan night.

Unfortunately, the same could not be said for the town of Cyrkensia.

You see, both the Nohrian and Hoshidan forces were celebrating their victory over Anankos, and they were partying. Hard.

Azama was currently taking naval shots off of Odin, Oboro and Dwyer were high as kites in the corner of the bar, and Wine Mom Azura™ had her back to the entire scene, nursing her second glass of chardonnay.

It was truly quite the scene to behold.

From outside, one could hear screams of absolute terror accompanied by loud cracks of explosives. Apparently someone was on an acid trip and had found a stash of fireworks. This someone had decided that the stash explosives was an enemy set on murdering his lord Ryoma and he had decided to attack the pile by using pyrotechnics.

The lobster in question was sitting on the opposite end of the bar to Azura, giggling and cuddling with the soon-to-be king of Nohr. The two drunk princes were on their third round of strawberry vodka shots and were starting to get handsy with one another. Unfortunately for Nina, who was sitting in a bush on the other side of the street watching their every move, nothing would come of their drunken cuddling, and by morning, neither crown prince would remember the night before.

Behind the counter, Leo sat stoned out of his mind while his bro Takumi was taking hits from a bong. The pair had finished their drinks, a Bloody Mary for Leo and a Pina Colada for Takumi, about an hour prior. With nothing else to do, Leo had pulled out his trusty antique glass bong and had been smoking bits of marijuana and pages of Brynhildr ever since, sharing the Nohrian heirloom with his Hoshidan bro.

Takumi found his hit interrupted when his not-sister Corrin came sneaking behind the bar. Takumi normally would have tried to stop his not-sister from drinking, but considering he was currently higher than a Kinshi Knight, he just stared blankly as she downed a bottle of vodka, his red-rimmed eyes not even blinking once.

Now fully juiced up, Corrin popped up from behind the bar, and with a drunken roar, transformed into a dragon and smashed through the window. Realizing her cousin was now a drunken, rampaging dragon in the crowded streets of Cyrkensia, Wine Mom Azura™ let loose a string of profanities that would have made even Anankos blush, downed the rest of her chardonnay and bolted out the now smashed window. She let out another, somehow even more violent string of profanities as her bare feet got cut up by shards of broken glass. Ignoring the biting pain in her feet, Azura ran down the street in hot pursuit of her dragon cousin.

As Azura was leaving, the Adorable Imoto squad rolled up to the party. Hopping off the back of her horse, Elise didn't look back once or even make a move to help her friend Sakura off. The two had been pre-gaming. Hard. Elise had only one thing on her mind, and that was more booze. She threw aside the remains of the door to the bar in a drunken anger. Locate the booze and let nobody stand in her way, that was the only thing on her mind. Xander, who had been softly resting his head on Ryoma's shoulder, was shoved away violently as Elise took his seat and did her best to flag down a bartender.

At this point, Sakura had managed to get herself off of the Hell Bitch that was Elise's mount, and she had sleepily staggered into the bar. She would have gone to try and try to calm her livid friend at the bar, but she was interrupted when Hinoka tried to start up a conversation with her.

You see, no one likes Hinoka. If Azama was the life of the party, Hinoka was the black hole from which no fun can escape. It did not matter if she was piss drunk or more sober than the Virgin Mary, Hinoka was unbearable. And due to her nicotine addiction, Hinoka chain smoked three packs of cigarettes a day. If you couldn't hear it in her voice, by Naga could you smell it on her from a mile away.

Not wanting to deal with her older sister's bullshit, Sakura grabbed a bottle off of a nearby table and smashed it into the back of her sister's ugly red head. With her sister out cold, Sakura summoned all of her Oni Savage power and dragged her ass behind the bar and dumped her with the stoned princes. Satisfied with her work, Sakura took a swig of whiskey from one of the bottles behind the bar.

Grabbing a glass, she slammed it down in front of Elise and poured the Nohrian princess a drink. The two youngest princesses raised their glasses as if to toast one another and drank. Off in the distance, above the screams and the explosions, Sakura thought she could hear a screamo rendition of Azura's 'Lost in Thots'.


End file.
